If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit