I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.