Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Sheep
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My blood type is b hungry.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.