I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
– Ugh, I do.
– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.
You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.
– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.
– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?