One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Facebook memories be like
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp