@SamuelHLowe

When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I’m a vegan.

@SamuelHLowe

That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.

@SamuelHLowe

I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@SamuelHLowe

I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.

@SamuelHLowe

– You always have to have the last word.
– THAT IS A LIE!
– OK, I’m sorry.
– Spatula.

@SamuelHLowe

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@SamuelHLowe

-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.

@SamuelHLowe

Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.

@SamuelHLowe

– Hello, princess. Can I call you princess?
– No.
– OK then, Mr. Smith, let’s just get started with your prostate exam.