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Page of SamuelHLowe's best tweets

@SamuelHLowe : - If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!
- Don't be selfish, think about the baby.
- What baby?
- Oh, so you're not pregnant?

@SamuelHLowe: - I'm here to register for the pessimists' club.
- Is the glass half empty or half full?
- What glass?
- Gentlemen, we have a new leader!

@SamuelHLowe: I'm going to confess my love to this sore throat so it'll be gone when I wake up in the morning.

@SamuelHLowe: She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.

I wanted ice cream.

@SamuelHLowe: Year: 2020
Cause of death: iPhone 10 Plus fell on his head.

@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

@SamuelHLowe: - You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
- Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

@SamuelHLowe: *wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*

@SamuelHLowe: "Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.

@SamuelHLowe: If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.