*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system