[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free