Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of SamuelHlowe's best tweets

@SamuelHlowe : Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said "Dada!" Wait, why is he using air quotes?

@SamuelHlowe: Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I'm burying the body.

@SamuelHLowe: My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He's full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.

@SamuelHLowe: - 911,what's your emergency?
- I'm out of beer!
- That's no emergency.
- Chest pain?
- We'll send an ambulance.
- Make sure they bring beer.

@SamuelHLowe: How do you say "No, I'm full" in Grandmother?

@SamuelHLowe: Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.

@SamuelHLowe: I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking, "it's psychic."

@SamuelHLowe: Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

@SamuelHLowe: - What's your cell phone?
- iPhone.
- No, I meant the number.
- It's a 6.
- No, to contact you.
- I don't use it for that.