My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential