[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”