“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
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Just a phase…
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
December birthdays be like…
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you鈥檙e missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I鈥檓 put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
馃彊馃懆馃徏
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they鈥檙e giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn鈥檛 like
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy