Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“You’d better run, egg!”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus