911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*