Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
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Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*performs CPR on the turkey*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.