My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
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Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
what it’s like dating me:
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
if a cop pulls u over play dead
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Put the is in disheveled
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*