I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie