I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate