Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.