Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.