Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”