@SaraESpivey

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

@SaraESpivey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@SaraESpivey

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@SaraESpivey

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

@SaraESpivey

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

@SaraESpivey

After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”

@SaraESpivey

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.