Google reviews are always so mixed..
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#titanic
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.