What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Saturday
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.