Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Sending in my taxes
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.