The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.
Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.
If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.