@SarahFemme

The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

@SarahFemme

I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.

@SarahFemme

I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.

@SarahFemme

Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.

@SarahFemme

If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.