Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
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GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.