Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…