ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?