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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Is this you?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Kermit goes Blue.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir