Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God