if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.