REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
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Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.