cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
You Might Also Like
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Morning my dudes.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson: