@SarcasticSadOne

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

@SarcasticSadOne

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

@SarcasticSadOne

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

@SarcasticSadOne

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

@SarcasticSadOne

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

@SarcasticSadOne

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.