@SarcasticSadOne

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

@SarcasticSadOne

You kids don’t even know! We had to write a full thank you letter every time grandma sent us TWO DOLLARS!

@SarcasticSadOne

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

@SarcasticSadOne

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

@SarcasticSadOne

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

@SarcasticSadOne

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.