I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Stop it! 😂
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.