People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.
I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.
If you really want to be something sexy this Halloween, be a 2015 calendar.
I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.
I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.
I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.
Why can’t we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say “RT if you hate puppies and babies.”