@Sarcasticsapien: Social media is basically like being in a bad relationship, you love it so much but deep down you know you’d be way better off without it.
@Sarcasticsapien: People at the gym in January who dress like they're obsessed with working out won't be there by, probably the end of this sentence.
@Sarcasticsapien: Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.
@Sarcasticsapien: Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.
@Sarcasticsapien: I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.
@Sarcasticsapien: I ran into a woman as I walked around a corner causing her to drop a pile of papers and we didn’t immediately fall in love as we picked them up so now I’ll never trust movies again.
@Sarcasticsapien: Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you're staying single.
@Sarcasticsapien: If you really want to be something sexy this Halloween, be a 2015 calendar.
@Sarcasticsapien: I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you're making an offer.