@Sarcasticsapien

People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

@Sarcasticsapien

Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.

@Sarcasticsapien

Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.

@Sarcasticsapien

I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.

@Sarcasticsapien

I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.

@Sarcasticsapien

I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.

@Sarcasticsapien

Why can’t we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say “RT if you hate puppies and babies.”