“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.