Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
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4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.