Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
This is enough internet for the day.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.