Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.
Out of all the children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh
As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell “JOHN CENA!!”
At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.
boss: I’ve been reviewing the security footage from last night and…
me: OH SHIT!
boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!
Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.
Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he’s China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.