@Sassafrantz: Out of all the children's stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How's someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh

@Sassafrantz: As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell "JOHN CENA!!"

@Sassafrantz: At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@Sassafrantz: boss: I've been reviewing the security footage from last night and...

me: OH SHIT!

boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!

@Sassafrantz: Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.

@Sassafrantz: Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

@Sassafrantz: Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he's China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.

@Sassafrantz: [texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@Sassafrantz: Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.