God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
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Note to self: always read the final line
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Perfect
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.