Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
You Might Also Like
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”