My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”