Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
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Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.