They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.