[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
(Jupiter –
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
scrabbled eggs
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow