political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.