Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.