Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day