anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote