Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
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Pat is about to own someone
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
he was correct
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.