If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
constantly working on myself.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?