I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁
If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.
High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.
1. How much wine can a cat drink?
2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat?
3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?
My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like “Who are you?” and “Why are you hiding outside my house?” and “My wife is calling the police.”
Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”
Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.