@Schmoodles

I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.

@Schmoodles

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@Schmoodles

Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁

@Schmoodles

If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.

@Schmoodles

I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.

@Schmoodles

High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.

@Schmoodles

#ThoughtsInMyHead

1. How much wine can a cat drink?

2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat?

3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?

@Schmoodles

My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like “Who are you?” and “Why are you hiding outside my house?” and “My wife is calling the police.”

@Schmoodles

Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”

@Schmoodles

Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.