I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
this is the best day of my life
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Oh. My. God.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.